When should I end the friendship?
seven indicators it might be time
Last year for me was the year of the friendship breakup. For the first time, I began to think thoughtfully about the kind of friendships I wanted in my life and raised my standard for how I wanted to be treated. Part of this process is letting go of people who do not reach that standard. Though it is painful to let go, it is a necessary part of the process to make room for new soul-mate friends who will love and support the authentic you.
Some friendships are harder to let go of than others.
I let go of some people who I thought I would be friends with my entire life. I spent months mourning these losses. Friendship breakups can often be more painful than romantic breakups. Despite the promise of pain and grief, we must trust our instincts when they tell us a relationship is not right for us. Even if we don’t fully understand why we must let go, the reason is typically revealed in the future.
Letting go of these friendships is a long and difficult process. But for the first time in my entire life, last week, as I was sending out voice notes to all of my close friends about how grateful I am for them, I realized I have a circle of people around me who I truly love and they love my authentic self. And there is no feeling in the world like knowing that you have surrounded yourself with loved ones who accept and respect you for exactly who you are. It is truly euphoric and makes me cry every time I think about it.
After breaking up with so many friends this year, I’ve learned a lot of lessons. Including when It might be time to break up with a friend.
Here is how to know when it might be time to let go:
When your instincts tell you something is not quite right
The start of every friendship breakup starts with a feeling that something isn’t quite right in the relationship. That gut feeling never really goes away. It’s easy to try to avoid it, and logically rationalize in our minds why it might be incorrect. But at the end of the day, trusting our instincts is an act of confidence and self-trust. It is a necessary part of being autonomous humans who are in charge of our own lives, and our realities. We can’t control everything, but it is important to listen to our instincts on what we can control. Sometimes we might not fully understand why we get a feeling. We simply need to trust that our body is looking out for us and that the truth will reveal itself over time.
If you get a feeling that something might be off, it is extremely important to listen to that feeling. It doesn’t mean you have to act on anything right away. I always recommend having an open and honest conversation with them before taking action. But listening and considering why the feeling might be coming up is important. At the end of the day, no one knows what is best for you except yourself. Trust that the feeling is there for a reason.
When there is no willingness to grow
People are not perfect. We cannot expect them to be. But we can expect them to be open to feedback, to be willing to have difficult conversations and to be open to growth and change. The thing about growth is that it is very possible. But people have to be willing to change. And they have to be willing to look critically at themselves and accept that there are areas where they could grow.
This year I ended relationships that I have had for a looong time. However, I realized that many of these people, while kind and amazing in their own way, were ultimately resistant to growth and defensive to feedback. That meant I did not feel comfortable sharing my true authentic feelings with them or at times, holding them accountable.
I believe that in a true sustainable, lasting friendship, both parties must be willing and open to grow together. This is ultimately how both people can be 100% authentic, and remain in an open and honest relationship. Friendships are necessary for support, but they also help us be accountable for our actions. This accountability is necessary for growth. But not everyone is willing to grow. Pay attention to who resists your feedback, who gets defensive, and at the end of the day would rather stay the same than grow with you.
When they are taking way more than they are giving
People pleasers and highly empathetic people are extremely caring and loving. But at the same time, people-pleasing can make us vulnerable to giving a lot more than we are receiving. There is no shortage of people out there who will take a lot more than they give. They will come to us when they need help in a crisis, knowing that we are highly reliable, and we will always be there for them. When all is given, and situations are resolved, they will no longer make an effort to be there for us. For people pleasers with low standards, especially those who have grown up in traumatic environments where they were taken advantage of, it is easy to continue these behaviours in adulthood and normalize giving a lot more than receiving.
We cannot control what happened in our childhood and how our caregivers treated us, but we can control our chosen family and friends. We can recognize that we deserve mutually reciprocal relationships. We can choose friends who make an effort to reciprocate all the love and support that we show them. We are all unique and amazing friends in our way and we deserve to get that back. That said, in situations where one friend is disabled in a relationship, reciprocity might look different. All people have different capacities for giving. But even in these relationships love can be given and reciprocated.
In a truly sustainable and healthy friendship, each party should put in and reciprocate the effort. Note that sometimes you may have to take the lead on this by putting in effort first, and that’s okay. But if you find yourself in an uneven relationship where you are giving a lot more and feeling resentful for it, know you deserve to get that same respect and energy back. And if you aren’t, and you have been open and clear about your needs, it might be time to let go of the friendship.
When you have to constantly prove your value
Respect is an inherent part of any healthy friendship. Respect should be given freely even when we do not fully understand where another person is coming from. True, authentic respect is not contingent on understanding. People in a friendship should respect each other’s boundaries, even when it is difficult. They should be willing to accept each other’s needs and desires, even if they do not fully understand.
Friends who do not truly respect and love us will make us constantly prove our value. They will make us justify why our boundaries are worth respecting. They will make us explain, and rationalize our actions to them. At the root of this is a lack of respect for our ability to make decisions in our own lives that are best for us. True friendship does not require constant justification. If this happens occasionally it is normal, but if it is constant it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. If someone loves and respects us, they will accept us, even when they don’t understand. If you have to prove why your boundaries are important it may be time to think about about letting go.
When they can’t express love
It is easy to end up in relationships with people who are pleasant to casually hang out with. It is also easy to continue in these relationships without truly knowing how the other person feels about you because you both have never taken the time to express your love for each other.
This is a catch-22, because it requires that you are able to express love as well. Vulnerability may be difficult for some people, but if someone truly values you, they need to be willing to step out of their comfort zone at least sometimes and express their love. If you find yourself wondering how a friend feels about you despite being friends for a long time, try telling them how you feel about them and see if they are able to reciprocate. Have an open and honest conversation about it. If they’re unable to express love in any sort of way, it may not be the right relationship for you. But, do not always expect people to express love first. In all of my relationships, I am usually the most outwardly affectionate, and I give love freely without expecting it in return, most of the time. But, I also have a desire to feel love and want to know how my friends feel about me. If I don’t, that is when I may have a difficult conversation with them.
It is also important to consider that people have different love languages in friendships. Some people may have difficulty expressing it verbally and prefer to do acts of service. As long as you have an understanding that there is love expressed in some way, that is what is important. But at the end of the day, the love should be there. If you have a hard time knowing how they feel about you, it might be time to move on.
If they constantly make you feel guilty
Guilt is the spell of a master manipulator. If you share how you feel with someone in a loving way and they make you feel guilty for having needs, they are trying to manipulate you even if it’s not intentional.
Guilt is one of the main tools in an abuser’s toolbox. It is used to make us break our own boundaries, be okay with accepting less than we deserve, and make us feel like we are the problem. We must remember that guilt is not about us, and it is not always a sign that we have done something wrong. Rather, it is often a sign that someone does not respect our completely reasonable needs and wants. It may be a tactic to maintain power over us and control our actions. A common example is when men in heterosexual relationships make women feel guilt about wearing revealing clothing, and push the narrative that it is somehow a sign of slutiness. When people make us feel guilty, it is easier for them to control our actions and avoid reciprocating the respect we deserve.
If someone makes you feel constantly guilty for having boundaries, different opinions and needs in the friendship, consider it to be a red flag. If someone lays on the guilt, they may be trying to manipulate you. Pay attention to when this feeling comes up. It is one of the number one tactics that emotional abusers use to get people to stay in unhealthy friendships and relationships. If guilt is constantly present, it may be time to trust yourself and let go of the relationship.
When they don’t support you and/or accept you
For a friendship to be worth holding onto, the friend must be able to support you and accept you. If they can’t do one or either of these things, it’s best to let go. The friendship is not serving its purpose.
Feel your pain
Friendship break ups are some of the most painful breakups out there. But despite the pain we might feel, we must trust ourselves and continue to raise the standard for how we should be treated. We cannot expect people to change if they don’t want to. If we truly want to be confident, we must be willing to let go of people who do show up for us, even when it’s difficult. The only way we can make room in our lives for new people to enter is by letting go of others. You will have to grieve the relationship even if it was a bad one. Let yourself cry and feel all the feelings as if it were a romantic breakup. The only way to truly recover from a breakup, it to feel allllll of the feels.
Sending you love if you have experienced a friendship break up recently or are considering one. It is not easy, but loving ourselves is not always easy. Though, it is always worth it.
Disclaimer
Only you know what is right for you. I always recommend having an open and honest conversation with someone before committing to cutting them off. Sometimes people need to be given a chance, or even multiple. Think about how you would want someone to treat you. Humans are not perfect. But if a conversation and time does not change anything, that is when to consider that it might be time for a friendship breakup.