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A one-star review I received on my podcast that said: “wanted to be seen as queer when she’s not” was a source of hurt but also a source of inspiration.
In this podcast episode, I talk about being unapologetically okay with how queer you are and my own journey of queer acceptance. This podcast is from the archives and when I recorded it I was still using she/her pronouns, now I’m using they/them pronouns. The podcast was also called Hannah Says, and now the name has been changed to Chronically Confident. If you enjoy this episode, check out my podcast archives. There are a lot of great, inspiring episodes you may enjoy.
Transcript (has been edited for readability):
I'm kind of a baby queer person. I haven't been out in the world as queer for very long. It's been, I think, two, three years* or so, and I'm learning still so much along the way. So take what you like from this episode. If you disagree with me, if you have a different perspective, that's okay. Queer people are not a monolith. We're not the same. We can have different opinions and different thoughts about how things work and that's okay. So I encourage you to, you know, take what feels right and leave what don't and understand. I don't think this is a black-and-white type of thing.
I don't want people to think of queerness like it's something that is black and white because I think the thing that's so expansive and beautiful about it is that it's not. It leaves space for the in-between, it leaves space for every colour of the rainbow, not just fitting in with classic binaries that we've all grown up seeing. So let's stray away from that thinking and understand that there's a lot of complexity and nuance that exists within queerness and queer identities.
So I was interviewing someone and they told me that it really helped them when I publicly processed some of the meaner comments that I received. And if you do follow me on Instagram, you'll know that I do receive hateful comments. And lately, it seems like it's been more and more regular. And I expect it at this point because I'm putting out opinions on vulnerable and somewhat polarizing topics, topics about body image, topics about confidence, queerness, and just generally existing in the world, confidently looking like myself. I think people are not used to that a lot of the time. So I definitely get no shortage of hate and my perspective towards these comments has evolved over time. And now, I love to throw up a comment that I've received that's nasty on my story and dissect it. That's the the idea for today. And to dissect the lessons and use what I can take out of it as a bigger teaching moment.
I recently received this one-star podcast review from someone and they titled it ‘stop looking for attention,’ and they wrote ‘really wants to be seen as queer when she's not,’ and rated my podcast one star on Apple. When I first saw this, honestly it really hurt me and it sucked and I did take it personally. But I've had some time to think about it and will share my thoughts.
This review got me thinking about queerness and how we still really struggle with trying to fit people into binaries, which is the opposite of what queerness really is all about. And, you know, it made me sad because my first question when reading this is how can this person, how can they know? We've never had a conversation in real life. We've never talked about any of that stuff. So for someone to have the audacity to assume that they know just by how I present myself in the world or by one thing I said, or by how they perceive me, I think is really entitled in a way and shows how much this person does not view queerness as something that is expansive and can encompass everyone.
In my queer journey, I came out as bi and, it was kind of the classic thing where you come out, and then you immediately meet your soulmate who is a man. So I'm in a straight-facing relationship and both my partner and I are queer. My partner is bi and so am I. And I'm also non-binary. So we are both queer, but we come across as though we're not. And also, you know, I am more of a feminine presenting person at this moment. And that's just because, I'm not planning on getting any sort of gender affirming surgery to validate that non-binary-ness. That's not something that I want.
What has helped me get through this is knowing that I am queer enough. Even if someone doesn't ‘look queer’, we're queer enough. Even if we don't have that gender-affirming surgery, we're queer enough. If we're dating someone and it comes across as like a man or woman relationship it's not our appearance or our relationship that defines our queerness as people. It's really who we are on the inside and who we feel like every day.
And I see so many people who are existing in the in-between or maybe new and figuring it out, struggling with not feeling like they resonate with a label or struggling to feel like, how can they even get in here? It's too intimidating because, there is a lot of negative messaging out there towards like new queer people and, you know, bi people, biphobia, honestly, non-binary phobia. Like people so badly want to fit you into a gender sometimes. It's annoying. Just let me be who I am.
I was trying to really dig out earlier that people try to fit you in a box and they're always going to try to do that. They're always going to try to tell you that there's one way to be queer and it has to be this way, but like no one holds the answers or the secrets to being gay as fuck or to being queer.
Like, obviously we all have our opinions, but no one holds the ultimate answer for it, there's no ultimate truth about queerness. There are certain things that you know, or are seen as better practices, but there's no one else who can define what queerness should look like. It's up to you. And that's the beauty of it.
And, you know, the way I've kind of tried to deal with this and process this is by thinking about it as an opportunity to educate. So let me explain. So basically when someone says something ignorant, which I would call this ignorant, you know, they really want to be seen as queer when they're not. And it's like, you're right. I do want to be seen as queer because I am. I'm just not your idea of queer or my idea of queer isn't the same as yours.
Queerness doesn't have to be this black and white thing and it's not up to them to decide how I get to identify or how other people get to identify.
So I try to respond to it from a place of, you know, compassion, understanding, education, but it's tough because sometimes I get really, you know, defensive or upset and it's hard not to respond from that place. And I think that's normal. And I think that there's a lot of people out there who feel the same way. And I think the more we talk about it, the more we kind of get through it together, the better off we'll be.
So my hope for this episode is that, if you are someone who is struggling with feeling like you're queer enough or feeling like you don't fit into a box, or feeling like you can't talk about your identity or your feelings because you're scared of what people might say or because it's confusing or because you're still figuring it out, that this episode maybe helps you feel a little less alone and a little more seen and heard and understood, and just know that you are queer enough and we see you and we love you.
You Are Queer Enough